The seige of Gondor and my health condition

Possibly the darkest part point in the Lord of the Rings trilogy occurs in chapter 4 of third volume, The Return of the King.  The great city of Gondor is under siege. From the standpoint of Pippin, one of four Hobbits who were part of the expedition of the Ring, it must have appeared hopeless.  Sworn to serve the Steward of of City since his arrival with Gandalf, he has been able to observe the siege. Led by the chief of the Nazgul, the enemy has swarmed and burned the fields around the city and breached the first wall. The Riders of the Rohan, who were supposed to come to Gondor's aid, have not yet shown up.  Aragorn, who was expected to come and claim his rightful authority, has disappeared into the fateful paths of the dead.  Frodo is rumored to be wandering in dangerous territory on the edge of Mordor. Pippin has also watched with alarm the Lord Denethor's shift from pessimism to despairing fatalism when his remaining son, Faramir, is brought to him unconscious after falling in battle from a poisoned arrow.   He orders his chamber servants to take him and his son to the tombs and to be burned together.  He no longer rules the city. In Denethor's opinion, all is lost now.  Despair and chaos reign.  

 As hopeless as it appears to Pippin, he is still driven by a sense of rightness, guided by hope.  How could the steward of the city kill himself and his son, when Gandalf and the others are still fighting?  Released from his service, Pippin runs with remaining strength that hope inspires to find the wizard.  If you don't know what happens next, you can always read the book or watch the movie.  Indeed, there were other cards at play in, but for today, I only wanted to reflect on the experience of Pippin in this dark chapter.  

I know Tolkien's plot, but I don't know how the rest of my life will play out.  My life is not unlike chapter 4 in The Return of the King. There are three or four battle fronts, though they aren't actually battles.  

In the main, it is my lung condition, pulmonary fibrosis.   I need oxygen supplement to make sure I have enough oxygen in my blood.  But I also experience shortness of breath most of the time.  Because of that shortness of breath it is also difficult to get rest and sleep.  I need to be able to get some sleep at night, or I'll be totally fatigued during the day.  Third, I need to gain weight, because I'm extremely underweight.  That is also a condition for being considered for lung transplant.  But gaining weight when you're so underweight is hard, especially when so much energy goes just to breathing.  Finally, there is the way I think and feel about all of this.  Shortness of breath breeds anxiety, to say the least.    

Each battle front is overlapping, because they're all related.  Faced with all of this, it's easy to feel like giving up, like Denethor.  But Pippin would not be given in to despair, because he was hope, at least in Gandalf, and that other players will also do their part.  One cannot let anxiety and despair have the last word.  In one Christian affirmation (Romans 5:1-5), hope is divine power, even in the midst of suffering, because the Spirit of God reinforces our endurance and character with love.   I do not know the what the end results will be of my current endurance.  But I am reminded that I am beloved.  

 Next Thursday we will be meeting with Kaiser palliative care doctor. This is not the same as hospice.  I am hoping for a more holistic approach to medicine. Pray for a good meeting and that my body will continue to receive food, so I can regain weight.