Merry, Pippin and agency

I enjoy watching Meriadoc "Merry" Brandybuck and Peregrine "Pippin" Took mature in Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings saga.  More than anyone else, these two young hobbits who follow Frodo and Sam from the Shire in their quest to return the ring, develop a strong sense of agency that makes important contributions to the plot. 

 Unlike other hobbits, Merry and Pippin actually looked forward to the adventure, though they had little idea of what they were getting into.  Nevertheless, for much of the story, they see themselves as useless baggage, because they don't have much experience, they don’t quite get the seriousness of the journey, and they make some unfortunate blunders.  

Things changed when, through a series of mishaps, they ended up instigating the Ents (tree herders) to take on Saruman, the great wizard who was clearcutting the forest. From there they each ended up pledging service to the allied leaders, the King of Rohan for Merry and the Steward of Gondor for Pippin.  Pippin's forthright action saved the life of the Steward's son from untimely death by fire.  Merry, against the King's orders, hitched a ride with Eowyn, the King's niece, who was dressed as a man.  Together they slew the Lord of the Nazgul, a pretty big deal.  No longer just useless baggage, when they took charge of their lives and found their sense of agency, they were able to act in heroic ways.   

One of the challenges, when you're sick, is losing that sense of agency.  Pulmonary fibrosis is a terminal illness, whose only medical "cure" is a lung transplant.  I've got that disease, plus a few other complications, which I'm trying to resolve so I can get on the lung transplant list.  Losing agency is especially disheartening for those of us who are accustomed to being able to do things on our own. I can't do much on my own anymore.  I need to ask for help. I love gardening, taking care of the household, and cooking when it's my turn.  I love research and writing.  And I'm accustomed to taking care of all the accounts and doing little handyman jobs around the house. I used to do all that plus my pastoral work alone. Now I do well to dress and bath on my own. Chin Cheak won’t let me take a shower if she isn’t nearby. Not only do I need to ask for help, I need to learn how to ask for help, how to articulate the kinds of needs that I have and to advocate for myself, so others can help.  Indeed, I think that losing agency can foster feelings of anxiety.  It's easy for me to worry about things normally.  When I can't take direct action, I worry even more.  

Chin Cheak and I started reflecting on Psalm 69, one of the many complaint psalms or prayers for help n n the Scripture:

“Save me, O God, for the waters have come up to my neck.  I sink in deep mire, where there is no foothold; I have come into deep waters, and the flood sweeps over me.  I am weary with my crying; my throat is parched… Do not let the flood sweep over me or the deep swallow me up or the Pit close its mouth over me.”

The psalm begins by laying it on the line with a compelling image and cry for help. One need not be literally drowning in flood water to find this relevant. That could be a metaphor for any troubles that feel overwhelming. I’m often overwhelmed by the struggle to breathe and all the factors around my weight loss. It’s no longer helpful to grin and bear it. It’s now time to self-advocate. I’m learning to do that with my health network. I’m learning to do that with my family and friends. I’m learning to do that for myself, even in prayer. 

 The psalmist articulates a number of complaints and petitions. “Do not hide your face from your servant,” gets to the heart of the matter for me, which is to know that someone is paying attention.  I suppose one way to think of this shift in agency, in which we learn to ask for help, is the old hymn “What a Friend We Have in Jesus.”  We forfeit peace and suffer pain “All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer.” Let’s practice asking help from God. Let’s practice asking help from your spouse, the medical team, from family and friends. 

This week I’m starting on a relatively new antibiotic that targets SIBO - small intestine bacterial overgrowth - as well as a palliative care drug to relax the lungs. I’ve been learning how to pester my doctors. Let’s also pester God. Not only for me, but for all people with respiratory and digestive conditions, that we may all breathe deeply, that all may enjoy the fruit of God’s earth and that all may know that God is love.