The Phial of Galadriel and my pulmonary journey

 I have been a fan of J.R.R. Tolkien since my late teens when a church friend handed me a copy of the Fellowship of the Ring. In the decades since, I must have read the Lord of the Rings trilogy at least five times, along with The Hobbit.  I'm always drawn to the strange adventures of Bilbo Baggins, and later, his nephew, Frodo. My imagination is captured by Tolkien's lyric narrative and poetry. Caught up the heroic journeys, I can be distracted from my own struggles and relax for a while.  But this time, I realize that I'm also identifying with their fears and anxieties, because I'm dealing intensely with my own fears and anxieties, as I struggle with multiple health issues, including pulmonary fibrosis, weight loss, and increased anxiety that is directly related to my health.  I've coined the phrase "startle dream" to describe the experience of a sleepless night when I start to drift off to sleep, but then awaken with a start from a recurring dream, like needing to sign up for some app for which I can never find the right information.  It isn't hard to interpret such dreams.  When I'm very short of breath, I simply can't fall asleep, because it's such  a conscious effort.  

So when I was reading in Chapter 8 of The Two Towers, where Gollum is leading Frodo and Sam up the steep path to Cirith Ungol, past Minas Morgul, now the headquarters of the phantom Nazgul, Frodo feels an overwhelming urge to put on the ring which hangs on a chain around his neck.  Though it would make him invisible to most, he would be visible to the Nazgul.  His hand is almost grasping the ring, when suddenly Frodo recalls another object hanging closer to his heart, the Phial of Galadriel, the Elven Lady of Lorien.  In an exertion of his will, he refuses the impulse to put on the ring and instead grabs the vial.  In that second the Nazgul spell is broken and he relaxes, if only momentarily. 

I love that moment, just as I love the moments when I can breath more freely and deeply.  The Phial of Galadriel was a gift of hope and light in the darkness.  The journey of Frodo and Sam leads invariably into some dark and and anxious moments, chased by Orcs, shadowed by Nazgul, and chased by a giant spider, or simply following Gollum, who inspires enough anxiety on his own.  I also have some frightening things chasing after me, pressing me and making me feel anxious, not to mention being short of breath. In one Christian interpretation, the Phial of Galadriel is like the life of Christ, which is the light of the world, a hope for those in darkness.  The Lord of the Rings is not allegory, but I find it helpful to think about those objects or mental processes that help me get through my health issues, especially the anxiety.  What helps me to relax, reframe and redirect my anxiety?  Positive thoughts and experiences, conversations with others, have all been helpful.  Certainly, there are thought processes that help me to access the life and light of Christ: specific scripture texts and classic prayers that come readily to mind, like Psalm 23 and the Lord's prayer.  Psalm 46 is especially good when I need to slow down.  Henri Nouwen has reminded me that in Christ, I am the beloved.  And God desires to give the beloved sleep (Psalm 127). 

None of these scriptures or prayers take me out of the darkness, but they do offer light and hope for the journey.  They remind me of a greater purpose for my journey than the disease process.  I am seeking God's kingdom and God's righteousness. It isn't easy, but I can do that even with a disease that makes it hard to breath.  That reframes the whole picture.  

Thanks to those who have come to visit us in the past few weeks.  Please continue to pray for me, that I might keep God's reign ever foremost in my thoughts, even when it's hard to breath, sleep eludes me and my body wastes away.  I need that greater perspective to survive and to thrive.